You kept
your ex girlfriend’s
dead rose
and my breathing poem
you put in the trash
and though my reply
to your actions
may be rash
you made me itch
at the thought of this shit
your ex girlfriend’s
dead rose
and my breathing poem
you put in the trash
and though my reply
to your actions
may be rash
you made me itch
at the thought of this shit
I sratch my skin
it flakes off
like the petals of
rose did
and
as little as it may seem
it meant a hell of a lot
to me
I feel like
your holding on
as little as it may seem
it meant a hell of a lot
to me
I feel like
your holding on
to her
I could be wrong
but I doubt it
your past
is too much in our present
and when you
presented that rose to me
I wilted
it wasn’t the only beauty
that was dead
© copyright Tia L. Clarke 2007
I could be wrong
but I doubt it
your past
is too much in our present
and when you
presented that rose to me
I wilted
it wasn’t the only beauty
that was dead
© copyright Tia L. Clarke 2007
3 comments:
itch and do that shit is so trite. It [this attempt at rhyme] fucks up a good poem, just as I am here, fucking up my remarks with language that's to easy to get at, too near at hand. We must always reach higher, must reach for language anyone passing cannot just pick up. Most of the rest of this poem is quite exquisite and succeeds in marvelous ways. Thanks for the literary thrill of it. Slick talking though and street talk is where you often seem to head, it seem to indicate a too limited exposure for an artist to drawn on. More of the classics, more of art and more of literature is my recommendation. What you bring too often, in terms of language, is what who is around you have already. It is where they are at. We have to transport them elsewhere, up and away from the blood on the road, from the knife and the gun, from what's trite and too commonplace; away from killing for a dollar or a bit of false hair. Let us take them higher. To uplift them, we must, first, like and with Christ, ascend. we too must be born again in every sense of the word.
"your holding onto her" should be "you're holding onto her" should it not?
You must pay closer attention to what comes from you; your feces, your urine, your saliva.
What if there were a trace of blood?
Would that not suggest that you consult your physician?
Here where language is concerned, I can be your physician and you can be mine.
I had kept your revised version:
You kept
your ex girlfriend’s
dead rose
and my breathing poem
you put in the trash
and though my reply
to your actions
may be rash
you made me itch
I scratch holes
in my skin
it flakes off
like the petals of
that rose
and
as little as it may seem
it meant a hell of a lot
to me
I feel like
your holding onto her
I could be wrong
but I doubt it
your past
is too much in our present
and when you
presented that rose to me
I wilted
it wasn’t the only beauty
that was dead
© copyright Tia L. Clarke 2007
I do think now that it was an improvement. My question though concerning the original as well as the revised, has to do with the logic of the itching.
The action seems contrived, merely an excuse to use the word itch and scratch. Is it?
Does the speaker suffer with or from Eczema? Where is the logic? Logic's required even when telling a child a story.
Post a Comment