Shorty's Diary~Pieces Of Me~

I have been feeling betrayed on so many levels...

Why lie to me?

Why lie when you say you love me, when you call me a friend?

Are my relationships merely a reflection of who I am?

I remember some time ago I text my brother explaining to him I had trust issues with my boyfriend and best friend at the time. I told him that I love them both, and I didn't know who to believe about a certain situation(I call NO names raven and meko). He asked me, "Do you have any money?" I said no, cuz at that time I'm thinking...Why this boy asking me about money in the middle of my dilemma. He said, "No coins or anything?" I said, "yes". "Look on the back of the money...it says in GOD we trust." I never felt so close to this man who was waters away from me and born nine years before me. He made me realize that I can't trust everyone, infact anyone and that I shouldn't worry about it because only our creator, Jehovah, can be completely trusted.

DEJA FLICKIN VU...

I have since gotten a trophy bf....exceptional young man, intelligent, respectful and just an overall nice guy. I have also found a new best friend...one who strives for more even when it seems to get too hard. BOTH GREAT ppl.

But recently I've been forced to examine these relationships...

I need honesty, I need loyalty...I need someone who will be true to themselves while being true to me.

Evoked By You

Evoked By You
By: Tia L. Clarke

This is I, who has fallen,
Broken bones
From a fifty foot fall
You didn’t try to catch me; not at all.

This is I, who is burned once again;
By love,
By intimacy,
And by my best friend.

This is I, who has no appetite to eat,
Force my fingers down my throat
Bulimic over night
This is I, who feels like she can’t get anything right.

This is I, who feels so stupid,
Tricked by cupid
Punctured internally
Crying externally,

This is I, who listens to love songs,
Only three minutes long,
But it’s my eternity of pain.
This is I, who loves you, my bane

Tears of larva spew.
This is I who,
Who will never forget you. :'( :(

Your Little Secret

Should I apologize for feeling as I do? I know you love me but I feel like I'm alone. I'm your secret, and I know it's not forever. Right? I really hope that thats true. But it has already felt like an eternity. An eternity of you hiding me. Myself esteem is not smothered, it is crushed. I can no longer take being your secret. I feel like I am not good enough. Am I not? There's no secret in my feelings, you know that I'm caught. It never felt so good to be captured. Still I have the feeling, that I'll always be a secret. Hidden like dirt under a carpet, I sit. Waiting for you to tell the world about me. But you're mute. I'm the one sharing, giving...telling the world how much I love you. Sometimes I get so angry, so fed up. This shit is tough. I have to keep quiet when the wrong ppl are around. Your family, lol, can't be around. Funny cause I'm just like a clown. People laugh. But I can't even smile. I've known you seven years, and been your secret all the while.

Have you ever been in a relationship so great that you want to just pass out pictures of you and your love, write poems and profess to everyone and anyone how much you love that person? I have... I am. It's hard when you and someone fit perfectly, they know you, you know them but the barrier that stands between you two is just OTHER PEOPLE! I am here to say, barriers crumble. Mine will crumble soon...

Shorty's Diary- *Pieces~Of~Me*

I'm currently on the quest for maturity.

I have been the baby for so long that it is hard to detach myself from that existance. Being the "baby" is what I know, it is what I'm able to do. Who am I because of this? Am I a weaker person? Maybe!? I feel helpless, I feel useless. I feel unarmed on the frontline of battle. People say to me, everyone does things in their own time...at 21 how much more TIME do I need. I feel stagnant!

I have been through many hardships, some of them I may have very well caused on myself. And I know that my trials have made me stronger. But am I strong enough?

Recently, I took the written part of my driving test. I passed with flying colours after much fighting with myself to even sit the test. I was so relieved, so happy. That hurdle has been passed but now its time for the actual DRIVING. Interesting! I am intimidated by the streets and I have much reason to be but those younger than me have zoomed passed me. I am not jealous. I have learned through teachings of my grandmothers that "what fa you, fa you." But am I angry with myself. I am angry because I allow my fear to defeat me. I have surrendered to my unseen opponent.

I sometimes judge myself based on people in my age group. "Look at what he has done. Look at what she has become." I am almost embarrassed of myself. Once again defeated, this time by the feeling of inferiority. When will things fall into place? Finding these things out are all apart of my quest for maturity, for independence...I guess I'm just on the quest to find myself, rather than anything else.

~*Pieces ~Of~Me*~

Uncertainty

You see,
With sincerity I share my uncertainity with you,
Because I'm in love with two, two men, I don't know what to do.
Both friends, Best Friends to the end.
What am I gonna do?
I refuse to hurt anyone of them.
So here I sit with my paper and pen.
WHEN THIS HELPS NOTHING!
I cry,
I cry alone.
No one else can know,
This pain aches to the bone.
Cancer in my marrow.
I can't take it,
Just too much sorrow.
PLEASE!
Save me...
Help me understand:
Why I'm so certain that I'm uncertain of who I should love.
Unsecure in my sercurity.
Too deep, but there's only 5inches of water.
If I could love them anymore, no one could save me.
On the floor of my bedroom, cowering like a baby.
Dehydrated and drowning.
I don't know what to do.
But I have found that I can not love them both,
Without someone being injured.
My love is hindered.
I'M STUCK
I'm stuck between the two of them.
This is not a rock and a hard place.
This is Paradise and Paradise.
I can't help to believe that I'm gonna make the wrong choice.
So with you, I share, my UNCERTAINTY.